Indian CBN My Ass!

     I guess it was about 2005-06, I lived in this little shitty apartment in North Arlington. My living situation with my girlfriend at the time had come to an abrupt end, (like get the fuck out abrupt, lol) and I was not about to couch surf with my friends. A good friend of mine was a leasing agent at the complex and she pretty much got me in the dungeon in less than 24 hours. I lovingly call it the dungeon, because the shit was underground. You literally had to walk DOWN two flights of stairs from street level to get to it. I could have survived a nuclear attack it was so deep down. And it was cold as fuck year round, because heat rises. Smell doesn't though. Sweet baby Jesus it doesn't. Every time somebody decided to cook with an exotic spice from some hut in the Middle East, I wanted to vomit. Or if they took a dump. I really couldn't tell the difference.
      And everybody who lived in my building was seedy as fuck. My upstairs neighbors were some teenagers that fought 24/7, who one time threw a land line phone out of the window that was still plugged into the wall. Instead of hitting the ground, as I assume was the plan, the damn thing swung back towards the building and busted my bedroom window out  like a super hero who just found a villain's hideout. Then there was the 300 lb lady across the hall who had 10 kids like the little old lady who lived in the shoe. I don't think they were all hers, I prefer to think that Peter Pan was on his way to Never Never Land with a new group of Lost Boys, realized how fucked off those kids were, and just left them with a lady in a North Arlington ghetto who looked liked she had plenty of food. And was always offering her across the hall neighbor blow jobs. ALWAYS. And the Indian family who lived 8 deep in one bedroom apartment that moved in about a month after I did.
   Pretty much the day I was moving into the apartment, I met a dude who had a Dish Network sticker on the side of his truck. He was the neighborhood hustle man, offering every channel on satellite at the base package rate, plus $50 extra for him. His hustle game must have been strong, because EVERY apartment had a dish on the balcony. It was awesome. 24/7 sports, cartoons, and porn. My childhood dreams come true. But as I've learned, most bootleg hookups in life come with a caveat, the karmic fine print if you will. And the attached fine print to the cable hookup was that since the Dish guy couldn't register all the receivers, people's signals were on the same frequency. That meant you could be watching a program, and your television would magically change itself because the next door neighbor wanted to watch something different.
   I never had a problem with my channels changing initially, because the old lady in the shoe couldn't afford satellite, and the upstairs kids were to busy screwing and fighting to ever watch TV. But the Indian family wasn't. As soon as they moved in, my shit was fucked. I'd be watching ESPN, and all of a sudden my TV would change to a Bollywood spectacular. I could change their TV too, so it would devolve into a channel tug of war that I would always win. See, apparently they had found all the Indian religious stations, and would watch them ALL DAY LONG. Whenever my TV would switch to one of the stations they watched I would let it stay there for a few moments. The shit was fascinating. The Indian version of the 700 Club would be on, and their version of Billy Graham would put the hands of  Shiva fellowship on the people in his church , and they would catch the Holy Ghost. But instead of shouting and hopping around, they would start belly dancing. Greatest shit I've ever seen.
     But the shit got annoying as hell. Playing television musical chairs while I was trying to watch a Mavericks, Rangers, or Cowboys game was not hot on the streets to me. Imagine watching a playoff game with the game winning shot about to be taken, and just because the neighbor's taxicab driving shift ended (not being racist, everyone in that flat drove for Yellowcab), you have to watch Slumdog Millionaire on a constant loop. Fuck a bunch of that shit. I would sit in my subterranean lair thinking, these cats are really over the top religious, how can I make them stop watching Mumbai Creflo Dollar everyday? Then it dawned on me, I get EVERY porn channel for free. Game time.
     I can still remember the exact day and time that I heard the most terrifying real life scream I've ever heard in my life. Wednesday, February 1, 2006. The Dallas Mavericks were playing the Memphis Grizzlies. It was a close game between two mediocre teams, but it came down to a last second shot. A last second shot that I didn't get to see, because the neighbors got home and decided that it was late night worship time. I was fed up. I vividly remember saying aloud to myself,"Indian CBN my ass!" I don't remember the name of the movie I switched it to, but it had something about gangbang and grease in the title. Roughly 2 seconds after I switched the channel, I heard a loud thud and crash through the walls, and a scream like somebody had just seen Jasonchuckyfreddycandyman under their bed. about 2 minutes later, I heard their front door slam, and what sounded like a shittily maintained yellow Caravan burn out of the parking lot. And I never had a problem with my channels being changed again. I can only assume that the thud and crash I heard was their piece of crap TV, but I'm pretty sure the car peeling out was somebody headed to the hospital from fainting. And I giggled myself to sleep.
     I miss living in the Wack Cave sometimes, but the only reason this story popped into my mind is this article I just read about Dish Network trying to purchase Sprint http://www.usatoday.com/story/money/business/2013/04/15/dish-sprint-nextel-bid/2083523/ . I'm hoping they've gotten their frequency/ channel game together, because I really don't want to get a sext from some random Indian dude whose life I sent into a degenerate spiral by changing his worship time to some NBA players tag teaming a 4ft11 Asian woman that was dressed like a Dragonball Z character. I never said I changed the channel back to the game, did I? 'Nite folks!