Thursday, November 28, 2013
Bruce Lee, Brandon Lee, Buddy Lee
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Wednesday, August 28, 2013
I don't fuck with soccer
Anyone who knows anything about me, knows my love of sports. I can sit in front of a television for hours on end, watching a round of golf on a goat ranch in New Mexico, played by paraplegics on Segways, and I have no idea why. Is it the competition of sports that's the draw for me? The human chess match that pits opposing teams against one another, with a clear winner being decided at the end of the contest, unlike life? That's one of the main reasons for me, and the biggest reason why I don't fuck with soccer. How can you do something that expends as much energy as soccer does for 90 minutes, and end in a tie? That's insane! As much as I enjoy sports, I like sex more. And there's no way in hell I would have sex for 90 minutes and not expect something really good to happen at the end. 90 minutes after my sex game starts, I plan on having eaten a hot pocket, drank a glass of orange juice, and being asleep.
I think one of the biggest draws in sports to me are the uniforms that the teams wear into battle. A great uniform is timeless, and can be as important to the team as the people wearing the uniform. Great uniforms evoke memories in the minds, and emotions in the hearts of the people who root for the team. So I got to thinking about my all-time favorite uniforms and tried to come up with my personal top ten. Shit was so hard to whittle down to just ten, and my honorable mentions would probably be considered some of the best in the history of North American sports. So, without any further ado, here are my favorite uniforms ever.
Honorable Mentions: New York Yankees(pinstripes), UCLA Basketball(1970's), USC Football, Colorado Avalanche(original jerseys), Minnesota Timberwolves(original uniforms) Dallas Burn, 80's Lakers, and 80's Celtics.
10.Waco Wizards:
9. Whatever The Fuck City They Play in Raiders
The Silver and Black is football. Down and dirty, smashmouth, dogpiling, clotheslining, eyegouging, penalty stacking football. Football as it should be played, trench warfare on the grid iron. Too bad they suck ass, because these uniforms are some of the best in sports.
8.Springfield Indians
7. Winnipeg Jets
6. Chicago Blackhawks
5. Texas Rangers
4. 1992 Dream Team
3. New York Giants
2. Dallas Mavericks
1. Dallas Cowboys Thanksgiving Day
I think one of the biggest draws in sports to me are the uniforms that the teams wear into battle. A great uniform is timeless, and can be as important to the team as the people wearing the uniform. Great uniforms evoke memories in the minds, and emotions in the hearts of the people who root for the team. So I got to thinking about my all-time favorite uniforms and tried to come up with my personal top ten. Shit was so hard to whittle down to just ten, and my honorable mentions would probably be considered some of the best in the history of North American sports. So, without any further ado, here are my favorite uniforms ever.
Honorable Mentions: New York Yankees(pinstripes), UCLA Basketball(1970's), USC Football, Colorado Avalanche(original jerseys), Minnesota Timberwolves(original uniforms) Dallas Burn, 80's Lakers, and 80's Celtics.
10.Waco Wizards:
I'll be the first to admit that this is a bootleg ass jersey, for a bootleg ass team, from a bootleg ass town. But it was the first bootleg ass team, from my bootleg ass town, and it meant the world to me that Waco actually had a professional sports team. The logo itself is awesome though, even the if the image of a wizard in the middle of Texas KKK country was kind of janky.
9. Whatever The Fuck City They Play in Raiders
8.Springfield Indians
Snoop changed the jersey game with this one! I have no idea who or what the Springfield Indians are, but I wanted this sweater so frigging bad after I saw this video! I found one at the Eastmont Mall in Oakland in 1994, but they only had a size smedium. Fucked up my Christmas.
7. Winnipeg Jets
I just realized that 4 of my top ten favorite uniforms are hockey based, and for the life of me, I can't explain why I like this one so much. Maybe it's the simplicity of the designs, both new and old. But to be honest, I think just like the colors.
6. Chicago Blackhawks
I can explain my love for this one though. The Blackhawks were my gateway to hockey, being played on Superstation WGN. That made it possible for a person in Texas to watch hockey on a regular basis before the Stars got here. Add in the fact that my all time favorite player, Chris Chelios was American AND the Captain, and you get the only team outside of the DFW area that I ever root for.
5. Texas Rangers
A lot of people I know HATE the powder blues. Not me, bro. This jersey= childhood summers in a second rate ballpark, sitting on hot ass tin bleachers, and watching a Busch league team waste everybody's time for a few hours a day. I wouldn't trade that for the world buddy.
4. 1992 Dream Team
The first and ONLY Dream Team, no matter what any Olympic team after them called themselves. Dominance personified. The only reason this isn't my top team is those diaper length shorts they wore.
3. New York Giants
Even though these are my #3 uniforms in all of sports, I refuse to say anything nice about them. But here's a picture of the last great Caucasian Cornerback for you to enjoy.
2. Dallas Mavericks
My first car was a '77 Cadillac Sedan Seville. That bitch didn't have any heat, we hooked up a doorbell to the horn relay, and I carried a small flashlight with me to see how fast I was going because I didn't have any dash lights. But I would grab a blanket in the winter and hit the highway to see my Mavs get demolished by teams on a regular basis. You could buy a $10 nosebleed seat, and by the third quarter have worked your way down to floor seats and security wouldn't say shit because no one was there. Some of the best times of my life.
1. Dallas Cowboys Thanksgiving Day
Take away the fact that it's the Cowboys. Any uni they wear will automatically be my favorite. What sets this one apart is the day they wear it on. Thanksgiving is the only day of the year that i'm pretty much guaranteed to see all of my family at some point, and everyone is together. That means more to me than anything sports bring to the table.
Until next time folks! Be easy!
Saturday, July 27, 2013
He's very stabby...
I went to check out "The Wolverine" this afternoon, just on the merits of the glut of advertisement it has received lately. I definitely didn't see it on the merits of "Wolverine: Origins", because that movie sucked balls. It was the type of movie that kills franchises, and could very well make Hollywood stay away from the genre all together. Let me backtrack a bit; the first comic book I ever purchased with my own money was Uncanny X-Men #212, a chapter in "The Mutant Massacre", Wolverine's first meeting with Sabertooth. I was hooked. Wolverine is my 1a/1b/1c favorite character of all time, neck and neck with Bruce Wayne/ Batman, and he original Robin, Dick Grayson. So of course I was going to give this movie a chance.
I intentionally stayed away from reviews and spoilers for this movie, because when it was first announced, they let everybody know what storyline from the comics hey were gong to follow, which was the story of Wolverine's first visit to Japan. It's the basis of the character's character, if you will, the code he's followed since Frank Miller wrote the story arc all those years ago. It's impossible to keep a character compelling 6 movies into the game when all he does is be surly and stabby all the time, but dammit, they got it right! He's very stabby in this one, make no mistake, but they also get to the root of the man this time, showing what makes him who he is as a man, and a hero. And it shows that there was somebody more important than Jean...
It also got me to thinking, with the massive amount of current and future movies out there based on comics and graphic novels, does the average person realise how many truly great movies based on comics are out that they've seen, but had no idea what the source material was? Probably not. so I've compiled my Top Ten list of Comic Book and graphic novel based movies that you've probably seen and had no idea they were comics, or you need see if you haven't already. I'll start with the Honorable Mentions, in no particular order; RED, Weird Science (a young Iron man and Kelly Lebrock, before she got Steven Segal juice all over her, star in this cult classic), Ghostworld(young Scarlett Johannsen), From Hell(Johnny Depp before he turned into a weird, gay pirate), Howard The Duck (if you think the movie is strange, read the comic), The Mask( The only time Cameron Diaz didn't look like she wasn't fresh off of making a gangbang video), Wanted (the principal characters in the book looked exactly like Halle Berry and Eminem, but the producers couldn't afford them),Kick-Ass( Dave Lizewski, the title characters name in the film, is an actual person who won an auction to have his name in the book), and Cowboys and Aliens(the comic was so terrible, when it was first published, stores actually gave it away to customers).
And here's my list, in descending order;
10. Blade:
This one I'm kinda on the fence about the fact that people don't realise it's based on a comic book. I mean, the it's pretty obvious from the opening scene in the underground vampire-disco blood bath, that this wasn't your usual action movie fare. It's campy as hell, and the acting is less than stellar, but the movie's use of bullet time and wire fights was groundbreaking, and predated The Matrix by a year. It also showed Marvel that they actually could have some success with characters who weren't household names on the big screen, and laid the groundwork for the X-Men franchise. Fun fact; in the comics, Blade was modeled after NFL Hall of Famer, Jim Brown, and he was born to his mother in the London whorehouse where she "worked".
9.Men In Black:
This one I'm positive nobody knows was based on a comic book, because comic book fans didn't even know! It had a small release when it was first published by Aircel Comics, and Will Smith's character was actually white. But its' a stop what I'm doing and watch kinda movie too me, just because it so damn imaginative. At the time of the movie's release, Marvel Comics had obtained it's rights from it's original publishers, and used the profits from it to bankroll a little indie film called Spider-Man...
8:Timecop
Ignore the fact that this movie doesn't involve a Kumite or him kicking coconut trees and wearing strangely cut, Lycra tank tops, this is easily VanDamme's best acting job of his career. And it actually has a really decent plot.
7: Oldboy
This is the only Asian comic book based movie I included on this list, but it's a must see. Some of the mos brutal fight scenes ever committed to film. You'd be surprised at what one man can do with a hammer when he has to get out of a hallway full of thugs. or maybe you wouldn't be. It's also being adapted into an American film directed by Spike Lee and starring Josh Brolin.
6. Whiteout
A murder thriller set at one of the North or South poles somewhere , blah, blah, blah. I really don't remember much about this movie accept that it stars Kate Beckinsdale, and I would watch her clip her toenails on a movie screen for 2 hours. Based on a graphic novel by Greg Rucka.
5. Scott Pilgrim vs The World
A movie about Canadian Hipsters. I really don't like hipsters. They strike me as the sort of people who would rather talk about how dirty and annoying sex is instead of actually having dirty, annoying sex. But the minute the opening credits came on, and it was an 8-bit, Nintendo Universal Studios logo, I was hooked. The story of the nerd who sees the girl of his dreams, gets her, but has to fight through all of her baggage, including 7 evil boyfriends, strikes an emotional chord with me. And the fact that he's knows he just an asshole trying to do his best not to be, to be with the girl he loves, made me connect with the film a lot more than I thought I would.
4:A History of Violence
This was Viggo Mortensen's first, big post Lord of the Rings role, and damn was it impressive! It was one of the best "you can't hide from your past" movies I've ever seen, but you should definitely check out the graphic novel by John Wagner if you get the chance.
3.The Road to Perdition
Tom Hanks as a hitman. Best Cinematography Oscar. Best Supporting Actor nomination for Robert Redford. Daniel Craig, pre- James Bond. This isn't a movie, this is cinema. You NEED to see this movie if you haven't already. And again, pick up the graphic novel by Max Collins if you get a chance. It's an awesome read.
2. 300.
It's been quoted a million times, by a million people. And it never gets old. From "THIS! IS! SPARTA!" to, "I am not your King, I will not be gentle." to my favorite, "Return with your shield, or on it." The blue screen technique was groundbreaking, having been tested on another Frank Miller film I left off this list, Sin City. And this movie holds the strange honor of being based on a graphic novel that was based on a movie (The 300 Spartans, which suuuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkeddddd) that was based on a historical event.
1. The Crow
I still remember where I was was when I heard that Brandon Lee had died on the set of this film. He was the only son of the greatest American action star in history (Bruce was born in San Franciso), and if he had lived, I'm convinced he would have made some AMAZING films. A REALLY DARK movie about some REALLY DARK subject matter, I still get creeped out when I see Eric force the heroin out of that lady's veins. And the graphic novel, by James O'Barr, is about ten times as jaded as the movie. But the movie will forever be one of my all time favorites.
If you haven't seen any of these, please do yourself a favor, and at least put them in your Netflix queue. You won't regret it.
I intentionally stayed away from reviews and spoilers for this movie, because when it was first announced, they let everybody know what storyline from the comics hey were gong to follow, which was the story of Wolverine's first visit to Japan. It's the basis of the character's character, if you will, the code he's followed since Frank Miller wrote the story arc all those years ago. It's impossible to keep a character compelling 6 movies into the game when all he does is be surly and stabby all the time, but dammit, they got it right! He's very stabby in this one, make no mistake, but they also get to the root of the man this time, showing what makes him who he is as a man, and a hero. And it shows that there was somebody more important than Jean...
It also got me to thinking, with the massive amount of current and future movies out there based on comics and graphic novels, does the average person realise how many truly great movies based on comics are out that they've seen, but had no idea what the source material was? Probably not. so I've compiled my Top Ten list of Comic Book and graphic novel based movies that you've probably seen and had no idea they were comics, or you need see if you haven't already. I'll start with the Honorable Mentions, in no particular order; RED, Weird Science (a young Iron man and Kelly Lebrock, before she got Steven Segal juice all over her, star in this cult classic), Ghostworld(young Scarlett Johannsen), From Hell(Johnny Depp before he turned into a weird, gay pirate), Howard The Duck (if you think the movie is strange, read the comic), The Mask( The only time Cameron Diaz didn't look like she wasn't fresh off of making a gangbang video), Wanted (the principal characters in the book looked exactly like Halle Berry and Eminem, but the producers couldn't afford them),Kick-Ass( Dave Lizewski, the title characters name in the film, is an actual person who won an auction to have his name in the book), and Cowboys and Aliens(the comic was so terrible, when it was first published, stores actually gave it away to customers).
And here's my list, in descending order;
10. Blade:
This one I'm kinda on the fence about the fact that people don't realise it's based on a comic book. I mean, the it's pretty obvious from the opening scene in the underground vampire-disco blood bath, that this wasn't your usual action movie fare. It's campy as hell, and the acting is less than stellar, but the movie's use of bullet time and wire fights was groundbreaking, and predated The Matrix by a year. It also showed Marvel that they actually could have some success with characters who weren't household names on the big screen, and laid the groundwork for the X-Men franchise. Fun fact; in the comics, Blade was modeled after NFL Hall of Famer, Jim Brown, and he was born to his mother in the London whorehouse where she "worked".
9.Men In Black:
This one I'm positive nobody knows was based on a comic book, because comic book fans didn't even know! It had a small release when it was first published by Aircel Comics, and Will Smith's character was actually white. But its' a stop what I'm doing and watch kinda movie too me, just because it so damn imaginative. At the time of the movie's release, Marvel Comics had obtained it's rights from it's original publishers, and used the profits from it to bankroll a little indie film called Spider-Man...
8:Timecop
Ignore the fact that this movie doesn't involve a Kumite or him kicking coconut trees and wearing strangely cut, Lycra tank tops, this is easily VanDamme's best acting job of his career. And it actually has a really decent plot.
7: Oldboy
This is the only Asian comic book based movie I included on this list, but it's a must see. Some of the mos brutal fight scenes ever committed to film. You'd be surprised at what one man can do with a hammer when he has to get out of a hallway full of thugs. or maybe you wouldn't be. It's also being adapted into an American film directed by Spike Lee and starring Josh Brolin.
6. Whiteout
A murder thriller set at one of the North or South poles somewhere , blah, blah, blah. I really don't remember much about this movie accept that it stars Kate Beckinsdale, and I would watch her clip her toenails on a movie screen for 2 hours. Based on a graphic novel by Greg Rucka.
5. Scott Pilgrim vs The World
A movie about Canadian Hipsters. I really don't like hipsters. They strike me as the sort of people who would rather talk about how dirty and annoying sex is instead of actually having dirty, annoying sex. But the minute the opening credits came on, and it was an 8-bit, Nintendo Universal Studios logo, I was hooked. The story of the nerd who sees the girl of his dreams, gets her, but has to fight through all of her baggage, including 7 evil boyfriends, strikes an emotional chord with me. And the fact that he's knows he just an asshole trying to do his best not to be, to be with the girl he loves, made me connect with the film a lot more than I thought I would.
4:A History of Violence
This was Viggo Mortensen's first, big post Lord of the Rings role, and damn was it impressive! It was one of the best "you can't hide from your past" movies I've ever seen, but you should definitely check out the graphic novel by John Wagner if you get the chance.
3.The Road to Perdition
Tom Hanks as a hitman. Best Cinematography Oscar. Best Supporting Actor nomination for Robert Redford. Daniel Craig, pre- James Bond. This isn't a movie, this is cinema. You NEED to see this movie if you haven't already. And again, pick up the graphic novel by Max Collins if you get a chance. It's an awesome read.
2. 300.
It's been quoted a million times, by a million people. And it never gets old. From "THIS! IS! SPARTA!" to, "I am not your King, I will not be gentle." to my favorite, "Return with your shield, or on it." The blue screen technique was groundbreaking, having been tested on another Frank Miller film I left off this list, Sin City. And this movie holds the strange honor of being based on a graphic novel that was based on a movie (The 300 Spartans, which suuuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkeddddd) that was based on a historical event.
1. The Crow
I still remember where I was was when I heard that Brandon Lee had died on the set of this film. He was the only son of the greatest American action star in history (Bruce was born in San Franciso), and if he had lived, I'm convinced he would have made some AMAZING films. A REALLY DARK movie about some REALLY DARK subject matter, I still get creeped out when I see Eric force the heroin out of that lady's veins. And the graphic novel, by James O'Barr, is about ten times as jaded as the movie. But the movie will forever be one of my all time favorites.
If you haven't seen any of these, please do yourself a favor, and at least put them in your Netflix queue. You won't regret it.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Indian CBN My Ass!
I guess it was about 2005-06, I lived in this little shitty apartment in North Arlington. My living situation with my girlfriend at the time had come to an abrupt end, (like get the fuck out abrupt, lol) and I was not about to couch surf with my friends. A good friend of mine was a leasing agent at the complex and she pretty much got me in the dungeon in less than 24 hours. I lovingly call it the dungeon, because the shit was underground. You literally had to walk DOWN two flights of stairs from street level to get to it. I could have survived a nuclear attack it was so deep down. And it was cold as fuck year round, because heat rises. Smell doesn't though. Sweet baby Jesus it doesn't. Every time somebody decided to cook with an exotic spice from some hut in the Middle East, I wanted to vomit. Or if they took a dump. I really couldn't tell the difference.
And everybody who lived in my building was seedy as fuck. My upstairs neighbors were some teenagers that fought 24/7, who one time threw a land line phone out of the window that was still plugged into the wall. Instead of hitting the ground, as I assume was the plan, the damn thing swung back towards the building and busted my bedroom window out like a super hero who just found a villain's hideout. Then there was the 300 lb lady across the hall who had 10 kids like the little old lady who lived in the shoe. I don't think they were all hers, I prefer to think that Peter Pan was on his way to Never Never Land with a new group of Lost Boys, realized how fucked off those kids were, and just left them with a lady in a North Arlington ghetto who looked liked she had plenty of food. And was always offering her across the hall neighbor blow jobs. ALWAYS. And the Indian family who lived 8 deep in one bedroom apartment that moved in about a month after I did.
Pretty much the day I was moving into the apartment, I met a dude who had a Dish Network sticker on the side of his truck. He was the neighborhood hustle man, offering every channel on satellite at the base package rate, plus $50 extra for him. His hustle game must have been strong, because EVERY apartment had a dish on the balcony. It was awesome. 24/7 sports, cartoons, and porn. My childhood dreams come true. But as I've learned, most bootleg hookups in life come with a caveat, the karmic fine print if you will. And the attached fine print to the cable hookup was that since the Dish guy couldn't register all the receivers, people's signals were on the same frequency. That meant you could be watching a program, and your television would magically change itself because the next door neighbor wanted to watch something different.
I never had a problem with my channels changing initially, because the old lady in the shoe couldn't afford satellite, and the upstairs kids were to busy screwing and fighting to ever watch TV. But the Indian family wasn't. As soon as they moved in, my shit was fucked. I'd be watching ESPN, and all of a sudden my TV would change to a Bollywood spectacular. I could change their TV too, so it would devolve into a channel tug of war that I would always win. See, apparently they had found all the Indian religious stations, and would watch them ALL DAY LONG. Whenever my TV would switch to one of the stations they watched I would let it stay there for a few moments. The shit was fascinating. The Indian version of the 700 Club would be on, and their version of Billy Graham would put the hands of Shiva fellowship on the people in his church , and they would catch the Holy Ghost. But instead of shouting and hopping around, they would start belly dancing. Greatest shit I've ever seen.
But the shit got annoying as hell. Playing television musical chairs while I was trying to watch a Mavericks, Rangers, or Cowboys game was not hot on the streets to me. Imagine watching a playoff game with the game winning shot about to be taken, and just because the neighbor's taxicab driving shift ended (not being racist, everyone in that flat drove for Yellowcab), you have to watch Slumdog Millionaire on a constant loop. Fuck a bunch of that shit. I would sit in my subterranean lair thinking, these cats are really over the top religious, how can I make them stop watching Mumbai Creflo Dollar everyday? Then it dawned on me, I get EVERY porn channel for free. Game time.
I can still remember the exact day and time that I heard the most terrifying real life scream I've ever heard in my life. Wednesday, February 1, 2006. The Dallas Mavericks were playing the Memphis Grizzlies. It was a close game between two mediocre teams, but it came down to a last second shot. A last second shot that I didn't get to see, because the neighbors got home and decided that it was late night worship time. I was fed up. I vividly remember saying aloud to myself,"Indian CBN my ass!" I don't remember the name of the movie I switched it to, but it had something about gangbang and grease in the title. Roughly 2 seconds after I switched the channel, I heard a loud thud and crash through the walls, and a scream like somebody had just seen Jasonchuckyfreddycandyman under their bed. about 2 minutes later, I heard their front door slam, and what sounded like a shittily maintained yellow Caravan burn out of the parking lot. And I never had a problem with my channels being changed again. I can only assume that the thud and crash I heard was their piece of crap TV, but I'm pretty sure the car peeling out was somebody headed to the hospital from fainting. And I giggled myself to sleep.
I miss living in the Wack Cave sometimes, but the only reason this story popped into my mind is this article I just read about Dish Network trying to purchase Sprint http://www.usatoday.com/story/money/business/2013/04/15/dish-sprint-nextel-bid/2083523/ . I'm hoping they've gotten their frequency/ channel game together, because I really don't want to get a sext from some random Indian dude whose life I sent into a degenerate spiral by changing his worship time to some NBA players tag teaming a 4ft11 Asian woman that was dressed like a Dragonball Z character. I never said I changed the channel back to the game, did I? 'Nite folks!
And everybody who lived in my building was seedy as fuck. My upstairs neighbors were some teenagers that fought 24/7, who one time threw a land line phone out of the window that was still plugged into the wall. Instead of hitting the ground, as I assume was the plan, the damn thing swung back towards the building and busted my bedroom window out like a super hero who just found a villain's hideout. Then there was the 300 lb lady across the hall who had 10 kids like the little old lady who lived in the shoe. I don't think they were all hers, I prefer to think that Peter Pan was on his way to Never Never Land with a new group of Lost Boys, realized how fucked off those kids were, and just left them with a lady in a North Arlington ghetto who looked liked she had plenty of food. And was always offering her across the hall neighbor blow jobs. ALWAYS. And the Indian family who lived 8 deep in one bedroom apartment that moved in about a month after I did.
Pretty much the day I was moving into the apartment, I met a dude who had a Dish Network sticker on the side of his truck. He was the neighborhood hustle man, offering every channel on satellite at the base package rate, plus $50 extra for him. His hustle game must have been strong, because EVERY apartment had a dish on the balcony. It was awesome. 24/7 sports, cartoons, and porn. My childhood dreams come true. But as I've learned, most bootleg hookups in life come with a caveat, the karmic fine print if you will. And the attached fine print to the cable hookup was that since the Dish guy couldn't register all the receivers, people's signals were on the same frequency. That meant you could be watching a program, and your television would magically change itself because the next door neighbor wanted to watch something different.
I never had a problem with my channels changing initially, because the old lady in the shoe couldn't afford satellite, and the upstairs kids were to busy screwing and fighting to ever watch TV. But the Indian family wasn't. As soon as they moved in, my shit was fucked. I'd be watching ESPN, and all of a sudden my TV would change to a Bollywood spectacular. I could change their TV too, so it would devolve into a channel tug of war that I would always win. See, apparently they had found all the Indian religious stations, and would watch them ALL DAY LONG. Whenever my TV would switch to one of the stations they watched I would let it stay there for a few moments. The shit was fascinating. The Indian version of the 700 Club would be on, and their version of Billy Graham would put the hands of Shiva fellowship on the people in his church , and they would catch the Holy Ghost. But instead of shouting and hopping around, they would start belly dancing. Greatest shit I've ever seen.
But the shit got annoying as hell. Playing television musical chairs while I was trying to watch a Mavericks, Rangers, or Cowboys game was not hot on the streets to me. Imagine watching a playoff game with the game winning shot about to be taken, and just because the neighbor's taxicab driving shift ended (not being racist, everyone in that flat drove for Yellowcab), you have to watch Slumdog Millionaire on a constant loop. Fuck a bunch of that shit. I would sit in my subterranean lair thinking, these cats are really over the top religious, how can I make them stop watching Mumbai Creflo Dollar everyday? Then it dawned on me, I get EVERY porn channel for free. Game time.
I can still remember the exact day and time that I heard the most terrifying real life scream I've ever heard in my life. Wednesday, February 1, 2006. The Dallas Mavericks were playing the Memphis Grizzlies. It was a close game between two mediocre teams, but it came down to a last second shot. A last second shot that I didn't get to see, because the neighbors got home and decided that it was late night worship time. I was fed up. I vividly remember saying aloud to myself,"Indian CBN my ass!" I don't remember the name of the movie I switched it to, but it had something about gangbang and grease in the title. Roughly 2 seconds after I switched the channel, I heard a loud thud and crash through the walls, and a scream like somebody had just seen Jasonchuckyfreddycandyman under their bed. about 2 minutes later, I heard their front door slam, and what sounded like a shittily maintained yellow Caravan burn out of the parking lot. And I never had a problem with my channels being changed again. I can only assume that the thud and crash I heard was their piece of crap TV, but I'm pretty sure the car peeling out was somebody headed to the hospital from fainting. And I giggled myself to sleep.
I miss living in the Wack Cave sometimes, but the only reason this story popped into my mind is this article I just read about Dish Network trying to purchase Sprint http://www.usatoday.com/story/money/business/2013/04/15/dish-sprint-nextel-bid/2083523/ . I'm hoping they've gotten their frequency/ channel game together, because I really don't want to get a sext from some random Indian dude whose life I sent into a degenerate spiral by changing his worship time to some NBA players tag teaming a 4ft11 Asian woman that was dressed like a Dragonball Z character. I never said I changed the channel back to the game, did I? 'Nite folks!
Saturday, March 30, 2013
This is why we can't have nice things...
OK, let's try this again. Back in the olden times, before Myspace, before Twitter, and before Facebook, I tried this blogging thing. It was fun, but the ease of established social media sites was more enticing than sitting down and punching out a blog everyday. My mind is always going, and the ability to just quickly jot down whatever pops in my head and share it with people that i think are intelligent enough to enjoy them seemed like a good idea at the time. But what I didn't take into account was, that for me to share my thoughts with people on the aforementioned sites, I would have to acquiesce to the fact that I have to see/read their post and or comments. And 95% of the people that participate on social media sites are moderately functional retards. I'm not trying to us the word "retard" in a derogatory fashion. I really mean that if they actually tested some of you at a lab, by the time the test was over you would be given a boxer's headgear, only allowed to wear sweatpants and Velcro shoes, and would receive a monthly check to keep you out of the workforce. And it makes me sad as fuck.
Every time I look at social media sites (sms from here on out), all I see are liars, hatemongers, whores, puppets who regurgitate everything they see on the news or sms without any research or info, HORRIBLE parents, people who read and write on a third grade level, 30K a year millionaires, and sociopaths that need to be on a government watch list. The best way I can describe my feeling on sms is to appropriate Dr. Ian Malcolm's quote from Jurassic Park; "If I may... Um, I'll tell you the problem with the scientific power that you're using here, it didn't require any discipline to attain it. You read what others had done and you took the next step. You didn't earn the knowledge for yourselves, so you don't take any responsibility for it. You stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as you could, and before you even knew what you had, you patented it, and packaged it, and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now.." Well now, all I want to do is stand in the corner like the Mike in the Blair Witch Project, and wait for somebody to put a hatchet into the back of my head anytime I look at sms. But I can't look away. The car wreck that is sms is just too beautiful not to stare at, the dusty Faces of Death VHS tape on the top shelf of the closet that you save for special occasions. Fucking real life Bum Fights.
I can't explain with any reasonable sense why I still participate with sms, because the more I'm involved, the less social I become in real life. The more I hate people for the flat out ignorant shit they say, do, think is cute, or funny. It's not . Can anyone please explain to me the burning need to comment on everything a person post, the feeble attempts at comedic remarks, or the need to be a contrarian and correct what other people say. Especially when a person is obviously being sarcastic/funny? There's a reason I RARELY reply to comments on things that I post. Because if I did, it would be a Napalm attack on the dumb ass shit people think they need to add to what I just shared with you. Here's a hint for correct sms etiquette as it pertains to me; if the post isn't in the form of a question, step away from the keyboard. I've been on Facebook since 2006, and I average about 7-10, comments on other people post a year. Why is that?
1. I honestly don't read other peoples Facebook post. I generally just think that whatever I have to say is more important and funnier than anything else anyone has to say as it pertains to my everyday life.
2. English is my first language. I don't know how to read Ebonics, Text speak, or kindergartner. And I refuse to validate blatant laziness and wanton stupidity.
3. I don't enjoy hating people, but the more I see on there, the more people I despise.
And here's my number 1 pet peeve on sms; People who do nothing but complain all the time about their lives and how shitty it is. Don't get me wrong, we all get kicked in the nuts from time to time. Bad shit happens. You have to get over it. Life can be awesome as fuck if you allow it to be. And ultimately, the only people who want to hear you bitch and moan are the people waiting in the wings to savor your failures. About 6 months ago I was at the lowest point of my life, for a variety of reasons. I only really opened up to one person on how bad things were, and they flat out told me that complaining made them think less of me, and that it was disappointing. It stung like a bitch and really made me rethink some of my relationships, but it was true. Basically no one wants to hear that shit. Suck it the
fuck up and make your situation better. Or don't. Either way, I don't give a shit.
Aaaaaaaaannnnndddd, that's my first blog rant! Now that that is out of the way, just a few things to look forward to in my blogging future. Movie reviews. Sports Talk. Fun website suggestions. Wild Ass stories of things I've seen and done. And things that are just too much to share on sms. And I promise 99% of the post won't be this negative. But I do plan on sticking with this for a while so hang around for a bit, it'll be worth it. Bitches.
Every time I look at social media sites (sms from here on out), all I see are liars, hatemongers, whores, puppets who regurgitate everything they see on the news or sms without any research or info, HORRIBLE parents, people who read and write on a third grade level, 30K a year millionaires, and sociopaths that need to be on a government watch list. The best way I can describe my feeling on sms is to appropriate Dr. Ian Malcolm's quote from Jurassic Park; "If I may... Um, I'll tell you the problem with the scientific power that you're using here, it didn't require any discipline to attain it. You read what others had done and you took the next step. You didn't earn the knowledge for yourselves, so you don't take any responsibility for it. You stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as you could, and before you even knew what you had, you patented it, and packaged it, and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now.." Well now, all I want to do is stand in the corner like the Mike in the Blair Witch Project, and wait for somebody to put a hatchet into the back of my head anytime I look at sms. But I can't look away. The car wreck that is sms is just too beautiful not to stare at, the dusty Faces of Death VHS tape on the top shelf of the closet that you save for special occasions. Fucking real life Bum Fights.
I can't explain with any reasonable sense why I still participate with sms, because the more I'm involved, the less social I become in real life. The more I hate people for the flat out ignorant shit they say, do, think is cute, or funny. It's not . Can anyone please explain to me the burning need to comment on everything a person post, the feeble attempts at comedic remarks, or the need to be a contrarian and correct what other people say. Especially when a person is obviously being sarcastic/funny? There's a reason I RARELY reply to comments on things that I post. Because if I did, it would be a Napalm attack on the dumb ass shit people think they need to add to what I just shared with you. Here's a hint for correct sms etiquette as it pertains to me; if the post isn't in the form of a question, step away from the keyboard. I've been on Facebook since 2006, and I average about 7-10, comments on other people post a year. Why is that?
1. I honestly don't read other peoples Facebook post. I generally just think that whatever I have to say is more important and funnier than anything else anyone has to say as it pertains to my everyday life.
2. English is my first language. I don't know how to read Ebonics, Text speak, or kindergartner. And I refuse to validate blatant laziness and wanton stupidity.
3. I don't enjoy hating people, but the more I see on there, the more people I despise.
And here's my number 1 pet peeve on sms; People who do nothing but complain all the time about their lives and how shitty it is. Don't get me wrong, we all get kicked in the nuts from time to time. Bad shit happens. You have to get over it. Life can be awesome as fuck if you allow it to be. And ultimately, the only people who want to hear you bitch and moan are the people waiting in the wings to savor your failures. About 6 months ago I was at the lowest point of my life, for a variety of reasons. I only really opened up to one person on how bad things were, and they flat out told me that complaining made them think less of me, and that it was disappointing. It stung like a bitch and really made me rethink some of my relationships, but it was true. Basically no one wants to hear that shit. Suck it the
fuck up and make your situation better. Or don't. Either way, I don't give a shit.
Aaaaaaaaannnnndddd, that's my first blog rant! Now that that is out of the way, just a few things to look forward to in my blogging future. Movie reviews. Sports Talk. Fun website suggestions. Wild Ass stories of things I've seen and done. And things that are just too much to share on sms. And I promise 99% of the post won't be this negative. But I do plan on sticking with this for a while so hang around for a bit, it'll be worth it. Bitches.
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