***SPOILER ALERT!!! SPOILER ALERT!!! SPOILER ALERT!!! I'M ABOUT TO SPOIL THE SHIT OUT OF A WACK ASS MOVIE THAT SPOILED THE SHIT OUT OF 3 HOURS OF MY LIFE THAT I WILL NEVER GET BACK!!!***
First of all, allow me start by saying with all sincerity, that I hate when people sit back and judge other people's creative endeavours, knowing the time, blood, sweat, and tears that a person expends to put a finished product out for the masses to consume. And I'm also aware of the concept of suspending disbelief, especially if I walk into a movie theater between late April- early September. But I'm also a hater (check my bio), and somebody has to answer for the 2hr45min piece of robot shit that I watched yesterday, Transformers: Age of Extinction. I'm looking at you Michael Bay. Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. Frasier Crane. Dan Conner from Rosanne. And you, Mr. Chinese Elevator Karate Man. I'm looking DIRECTLY at you. But mostly, I'm looking at Michael "Watch me blow this shit up that's made of wood or plastic, and has no reason to ever explode by any law of GODDAMN physics" Bay. Buddy, I'm looking right at you.
I don't really know how to began to describe this late term abortion of a movie, so please bear with me as I start this rambling rant as close to the beginning of the movie as my rage will allow me to remember. One thing I can promise though, you my version of this shit show will be more coherent than the shit show I witnessed on the big screen. First of all, Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch (MMATFB), whose character's name is the extremely Old West gunslinger sounding CADE YEAGER, is basically a 21st century, white, Fred G. Sanford. This sonofabitch lives off the barter system like some medieval serf, fixing junk he collects from his neighbors in exchange for them not reporting his hillbilly ass for stealing electricity from their power lines. But instead of Sanford and Son, it's really Yeager and underage daughter. And that's pretty much the only thing I have to say about her. I don't remember his daughter's name and vaguely remember her face. All I know is that she was fucking a senior when she was a freshman in high school, just like a good little country slut. MMATFB also has a sidekick/best friend that works with/lives with/reckless eyeballs his child that's about as non-descript as his daughter. So much so in fact, that when he dies in the worst way possible about 25 minutes into the movie, MMATFB just shrugs and says "he's gone". Michael Bay is a CHARLATAN.
While MMATFB is Sanford and Sonning his way about town, he stops by a dilapidated movie theater to scavenge more shit for his junk heap at home, reminisce about his dead baby momma, and to hamfistedly foreshadow killing a man with a football. That's right, MMATFB kills a man with a GOD!DAMN!FOOTBALL! During the dumpster dive session inside the theater, he just happens to look up and notice the FULL SIZED SEMI TRUCK THAT'S 30 FEET FROM HIM that he didn't notice when he walked in, and asks the owner how much he wants for it. To which the owner replies, "What truck?"... BITCH, the motherfucking FULL SIZED SEMI TRUCK THAT'S 60 FEET FROM WHERE YOU'RE SITTING, slap dab in the middle of the GODDAMN BUILDING that YOU OWN! Micheal Bay is a SNAKE OIL SALESMAN.
MMATFB pays $150 in monopoly money and takes his new toy home to strip for parts to sell, so he can start his daughters college fund TWO months before she graduates. He fancies himself as some half-assed Tony Stark, complete with robots that malfunction and throw shit at him way harder and further than they need to. He goofs his way into jump starting Optimus Prime, the invisible, Most Wanted being on the planet for some convoluted reason, back to life with a battery that wouldn't start a riding mower. Optimus immediately transforms from a rusted out truck into a rusted out robot, and points a goddamn hand cannon menacingly at MMATFB, raving about how he hates humans now. But he has robot AIDS or some shit, so he just falls over and lets the humans help him. Meanwhile, Optimus gets dimed out by MMATFB's pedophile buddy to the CIA, who've put a bounty on all Transformers after the last movie, when the Transformers fucked up Chicago worse than Derrick Rose's knee. So the main bad guy, Frasier Crane, sends a Black Ops Unit, and a Transformer who's a galactic bounty hunter that he has on his payroll, to MMATFB's salvage yard/house to retrieve Optimus Prime. Right before the battle is about to begin, the camera pans over to this presumably Autobot, badass, driverless, little Rally car creeping into a cornfield adjacent to the Yeager compound, waiting for shit to jump off so it can join the fray. But wait! That's not a Transformer! That's MMATFB's daughter's adult, pedophile boyfriend who was probably creeping up to get some ass, while her daddy was playing with Legos in the garage as usual. The same boyfriend who for some reason, has an Irish accent that he loses and gets back every other scene he appears in. The exact same GROWN ASS MAN WHO LOOKS 5 YEARS YOUNGER than MMATFB and carries around a laminated card with Texas rape statutes on it in case he gets caught BANGING A MINOR. They played this relationship for a jokes and laughs in a movie clearly aimed at kids...At this point, you might be thinking that nothing I'm writing makes any sense whatsoever, and it's confusing as hell. EXACTLY!!! I was so mad at this point of the film, that i was physically shaking. Michael Bay is a SHEISTY BITCH.
Long story short, Optimus Prime, who could barely stand five minutes earlier, and claimed he could only be repaired by his fellow Autobots, bursts out of the barn like a stripper out of a cake at an old timey bachelor party and proceeds to beat the hell out of a tactical force that had killed 90% of the the HEALTHY Transformers left on the planet. All while suffering from a bout of the space HIV. And when cornfield lurker finally joins the fight, he somehow manages to bunny hop his car so high that his front tires spin out on 2 of the bad guys faces... It was at that moment that I realized that my body had threat levels sensor like the post 9/11 terrorism chart, and my anger had moved from green to blue in about six seconds. "This scene truly encapsulates the ridiculousness of this movie", was the first thought that popped into my mind. Wrong. WRONG! It got soooooo much worse. The crew escapes the farm, but thankfully lose the most annoying member of the Funky Bunch to a bomb the unaffiliated bounty hunter Transformer sets off, that turns everything it touches into frozen liquid metal, like the bad guy in Terminator 2, the first homage to James Cameron in this farce of a film. The second nod to Cameron is the name of of the metal that the Transformers are made of, and the true reason the government and the industrial scientist are looking for them; a rare metal called TRANSFORMIUM. I remember watching Avatar, and tuning out the minute I heard that the whole reason that they where gentrifying Smurf villages was for a metal called UNOBTAINIUM. It was the most ridiculous shit I'd ever heard. And yet, here in 2014, these simple motherfuckers in Hollywood decided to hit my mind with some shit called Transformium. Threat level crept to yellow. The remaining members of the Funky Bunch hop into Optimus to complete the great escape, but Optimus still looks as ashy as a runaway slave. So, in total disregard to the statement made earlier about needing to get to his friends so they can fix him, he just finds a nearby semi tractor, drives by and scans it, and VOILA! Brand spanking new Optimus Prime. Off to find the last Autobots left on earth! Michael Bay is a SWINDLER
There appears to be only four Autobots left on Earth, and they happened to be hiding conveniently in a state adjacent to Texas, where the movie starts. There's Bumblebee, who's turned into a little jealous bitch that's getting slapped around by the new guys. A military transport that's voiced by Dan Connor from Roseanne that refers to himself as a fat ballerina when he fights, and carries 1000 guns and grenades the size of jack-o-lanterns. And two fire ass sports cars that I flat out refuse to give brand recognition too, considering the fact that the movie was just one long fucking commercial anyway. I will say this this; the sickest looking one of the sports cars that was a brand that rhymes with "Fugatti" was a triple changer that could transform into a samurai, a sports car AND a helicopter, but he never chose to fly anybody the fuck from danger whenever folks needed to get away. Optimus rallies the troops, and heads to the ONE place where every person would know exactly who they were when they saw them; Chicago. I'm not going to even go into the nonsense that happens there, since it was the exact same nonsense that happened in the last movie. But will point out the bullshit that pushed my threat level to orange. Apparently Optimus Prime is the space equivalent of King Arthur, because he pulls a GODDAMN SWORD from a stone in a spaceship, and somehow changes into KNIGHT ARMOR as soon as the sword is free. I'd also hoped that since they'd added a new stereotype with the heavily accented samurai bot, that I would be able to avoid seeing one of the Jiggabobots Bay is so fond of including into these movies. Wrong. Wrong! They still managed to sneak a little niggletbot in the mix. Fucking infuriating. I'll just tell you that Chicago gets fucked off again, they fight on the exact same bridge from the last movie and figure out that they need to go to China so they can hide some magic bean. Michael Bay is a CONMAN.
At this point of the the movie either the 3-D glasses where giving me a headache, or the movie had incited a high blood pressure incident in me and I don't even have high blood pressure. I decide to close my eyes for a second, and just listen to the bullshit. I hear people arguing on an elevator, so I open my eyes to see the only entertaining thing in the movie, a military guy slapping the shit out of an Asian lady. And here comes the next typical stereotype in a Michael Bay movie; some little Chinese Elevator Karate Man who had just showed up in the movie 15 seconds earlier, proceeds to hop out of the elevator AND BEAT THE CHINESE SHIT OUT OF THE MILITARY DUDE. Punched that motherfucker in the chest like 30 times in 3 seconds. IT MADE MY BLOOD BOIL!!!! Threat level red. Meanwhile, the Autobots split up in Hong Kong, half to fight the military dudes and the bounty bot, the other half to free the Dinbots so they can join they fight. That's right, the same Dinobots that have been appearing in commercials since the Superbowl are only in the movie for THE LAST 15 MINUTES!!! While MMATFB are fighting bad guys in the city, throwing footballs at dudes to knock them out of 20 story windows, Optimus is in the woods outside of the city basically pissing on the Dinobots legs to show them he's leader so he can ride them into battle. And that's pretty much the gist of the movie. The Dinobots help turn the tide of the battle, the Autobots win and Optimus utilizes rocket booster boots he never used in any of the other movies to fly into space with his Excalibur sword and shield to find his creators. While MARK WAHLBERG WATCHES HIM FLY AWAY WITH TEARS IN HIS EYES!!! Michael Bay is HUSTLE MAN FROM THE FIF FLO.
I will go to my grave hating myself for sitting through this crap, and I even left out some of the stupider shit that happened in the movie. Let me hit you with a few bullet pointed highlights;
While MMATFB is Sanford and Sonning his way about town, he stops by a dilapidated movie theater to scavenge more shit for his junk heap at home, reminisce about his dead baby momma, and to hamfistedly foreshadow killing a man with a football. That's right, MMATFB kills a man with a GOD!DAMN!FOOTBALL! During the dumpster dive session inside the theater, he just happens to look up and notice the FULL SIZED SEMI TRUCK THAT'S 30 FEET FROM HIM that he didn't notice when he walked in, and asks the owner how much he wants for it. To which the owner replies, "What truck?"... BITCH, the motherfucking FULL SIZED SEMI TRUCK THAT'S 60 FEET FROM WHERE YOU'RE SITTING, slap dab in the middle of the GODDAMN BUILDING that YOU OWN! Micheal Bay is a SNAKE OIL SALESMAN.
MMATFB pays $150 in monopoly money and takes his new toy home to strip for parts to sell, so he can start his daughters college fund TWO months before she graduates. He fancies himself as some half-assed Tony Stark, complete with robots that malfunction and throw shit at him way harder and further than they need to. He goofs his way into jump starting Optimus Prime, the invisible, Most Wanted being on the planet for some convoluted reason, back to life with a battery that wouldn't start a riding mower. Optimus immediately transforms from a rusted out truck into a rusted out robot, and points a goddamn hand cannon menacingly at MMATFB, raving about how he hates humans now. But he has robot AIDS or some shit, so he just falls over and lets the humans help him. Meanwhile, Optimus gets dimed out by MMATFB's pedophile buddy to the CIA, who've put a bounty on all Transformers after the last movie, when the Transformers fucked up Chicago worse than Derrick Rose's knee. So the main bad guy, Frasier Crane, sends a Black Ops Unit, and a Transformer who's a galactic bounty hunter that he has on his payroll, to MMATFB's salvage yard/house to retrieve Optimus Prime. Right before the battle is about to begin, the camera pans over to this presumably Autobot, badass, driverless, little Rally car creeping into a cornfield adjacent to the Yeager compound, waiting for shit to jump off so it can join the fray. But wait! That's not a Transformer! That's MMATFB's daughter's adult, pedophile boyfriend who was probably creeping up to get some ass, while her daddy was playing with Legos in the garage as usual. The same boyfriend who for some reason, has an Irish accent that he loses and gets back every other scene he appears in. The exact same GROWN ASS MAN WHO LOOKS 5 YEARS YOUNGER than MMATFB and carries around a laminated card with Texas rape statutes on it in case he gets caught BANGING A MINOR. They played this relationship for a jokes and laughs in a movie clearly aimed at kids...At this point, you might be thinking that nothing I'm writing makes any sense whatsoever, and it's confusing as hell. EXACTLY!!! I was so mad at this point of the film, that i was physically shaking. Michael Bay is a SHEISTY BITCH.
Long story short, Optimus Prime, who could barely stand five minutes earlier, and claimed he could only be repaired by his fellow Autobots, bursts out of the barn like a stripper out of a cake at an old timey bachelor party and proceeds to beat the hell out of a tactical force that had killed 90% of the the HEALTHY Transformers left on the planet. All while suffering from a bout of the space HIV. And when cornfield lurker finally joins the fight, he somehow manages to bunny hop his car so high that his front tires spin out on 2 of the bad guys faces... It was at that moment that I realized that my body had threat levels sensor like the post 9/11 terrorism chart, and my anger had moved from green to blue in about six seconds. "This scene truly encapsulates the ridiculousness of this movie", was the first thought that popped into my mind. Wrong. WRONG! It got soooooo much worse. The crew escapes the farm, but thankfully lose the most annoying member of the Funky Bunch to a bomb the unaffiliated bounty hunter Transformer sets off, that turns everything it touches into frozen liquid metal, like the bad guy in Terminator 2, the first homage to James Cameron in this farce of a film. The second nod to Cameron is the name of of the metal that the Transformers are made of, and the true reason the government and the industrial scientist are looking for them; a rare metal called TRANSFORMIUM. I remember watching Avatar, and tuning out the minute I heard that the whole reason that they where gentrifying Smurf villages was for a metal called UNOBTAINIUM. It was the most ridiculous shit I'd ever heard. And yet, here in 2014, these simple motherfuckers in Hollywood decided to hit my mind with some shit called Transformium. Threat level crept to yellow. The remaining members of the Funky Bunch hop into Optimus to complete the great escape, but Optimus still looks as ashy as a runaway slave. So, in total disregard to the statement made earlier about needing to get to his friends so they can fix him, he just finds a nearby semi tractor, drives by and scans it, and VOILA! Brand spanking new Optimus Prime. Off to find the last Autobots left on earth! Michael Bay is a SWINDLER
There appears to be only four Autobots left on Earth, and they happened to be hiding conveniently in a state adjacent to Texas, where the movie starts. There's Bumblebee, who's turned into a little jealous bitch that's getting slapped around by the new guys. A military transport that's voiced by Dan Connor from Roseanne that refers to himself as a fat ballerina when he fights, and carries 1000 guns and grenades the size of jack-o-lanterns. And two fire ass sports cars that I flat out refuse to give brand recognition too, considering the fact that the movie was just one long fucking commercial anyway. I will say this this; the sickest looking one of the sports cars that was a brand that rhymes with "Fugatti" was a triple changer that could transform into a samurai, a sports car AND a helicopter, but he never chose to fly anybody the fuck from danger whenever folks needed to get away. Optimus rallies the troops, and heads to the ONE place where every person would know exactly who they were when they saw them; Chicago. I'm not going to even go into the nonsense that happens there, since it was the exact same nonsense that happened in the last movie. But will point out the bullshit that pushed my threat level to orange. Apparently Optimus Prime is the space equivalent of King Arthur, because he pulls a GODDAMN SWORD from a stone in a spaceship, and somehow changes into KNIGHT ARMOR as soon as the sword is free. I'd also hoped that since they'd added a new stereotype with the heavily accented samurai bot, that I would be able to avoid seeing one of the Jiggabobots Bay is so fond of including into these movies. Wrong. Wrong! They still managed to sneak a little niggletbot in the mix. Fucking infuriating. I'll just tell you that Chicago gets fucked off again, they fight on the exact same bridge from the last movie and figure out that they need to go to China so they can hide some magic bean. Michael Bay is a CONMAN.
At this point of the the movie either the 3-D glasses where giving me a headache, or the movie had incited a high blood pressure incident in me and I don't even have high blood pressure. I decide to close my eyes for a second, and just listen to the bullshit. I hear people arguing on an elevator, so I open my eyes to see the only entertaining thing in the movie, a military guy slapping the shit out of an Asian lady. And here comes the next typical stereotype in a Michael Bay movie; some little Chinese Elevator Karate Man who had just showed up in the movie 15 seconds earlier, proceeds to hop out of the elevator AND BEAT THE CHINESE SHIT OUT OF THE MILITARY DUDE. Punched that motherfucker in the chest like 30 times in 3 seconds. IT MADE MY BLOOD BOIL!!!! Threat level red. Meanwhile, the Autobots split up in Hong Kong, half to fight the military dudes and the bounty bot, the other half to free the Dinbots so they can join they fight. That's right, the same Dinobots that have been appearing in commercials since the Superbowl are only in the movie for THE LAST 15 MINUTES!!! While MMATFB are fighting bad guys in the city, throwing footballs at dudes to knock them out of 20 story windows, Optimus is in the woods outside of the city basically pissing on the Dinobots legs to show them he's leader so he can ride them into battle. And that's pretty much the gist of the movie. The Dinobots help turn the tide of the battle, the Autobots win and Optimus utilizes rocket booster boots he never used in any of the other movies to fly into space with his Excalibur sword and shield to find his creators. While MARK WAHLBERG WATCHES HIM FLY AWAY WITH TEARS IN HIS EYES!!! Michael Bay is HUSTLE MAN FROM THE FIF FLO.
I will go to my grave hating myself for sitting through this crap, and I even left out some of the stupider shit that happened in the movie. Let me hit you with a few bullet pointed highlights;
- Bumblebee fought a statue that he didn't like.
- Tentacle porn.
- Chinese dude sitting in his car, playing guitar for bitches in the backseat. In traffic. On a bridge.
- MMATFB picked up a pumpkin sized grenade, an lightly tossed it back to an Autobot.
- An Autobot ran out of guns, so he bit a bullet to kill another robot.
- People shouting "It's a big magnet...It's sucking up metal and dropping it!! CAR!"
